I'm going to jail i love you
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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