he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
