i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
