So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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