I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
