im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
