dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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