im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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