i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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