I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
