I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
