you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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