you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
