apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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