im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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