dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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