maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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