I think I died a long time ago.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
