even my farts smell like vagina
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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