I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
