So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
