Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
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