I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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