Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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