it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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