hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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