benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.