Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"