I think I won the penis lottery.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
