My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
