it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
