Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
