im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Randomize
