Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
