mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
