I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
