Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
