You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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