What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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