it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
