Did you just see the Batmobile???
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
