I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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