alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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