I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
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after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
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ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
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