she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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