No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
