ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
