i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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