My cat gives me a boner
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.