Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.