im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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