Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
