I wish I could teleport
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I'm really busy with my period
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