I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
