I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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