Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
