I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I don't deserve a penis
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
