Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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