mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
